Song of Solomon 6:2-13 Sex, God and Love, Part 7

“The Language of Forgiveness”


John Gray became a household name and an overnight millionare with his best selling book – Men are from Mars women are from Venus


His book he helped pp realize this Fact:  

                           Men and women are different


We think differently we see things differently and we feal things differently


Examples: Going out

A)Things are simple for a man – women are a little more complex


B)Women dress to express themselves –

men dress {well}so that they won’t be naked!


C)When a women is going out she has to decide if she is going to wear her hair up or down, flats or heels, slacks of a dress, Jewelry or no Jewelry

Lots of make up or little make up


D)A Man picks up the some clothes off the floor smells them and if there is no visible stains he has an outfit


Another difference: YOU know how a man tells another man he appreciates him – He  insults him

A)Hey Fat boy – how you doing –

B)Never hear a woman yell across the parking lot

Hey Fat girl


C) A guy will go up to his friend and say – hey did you get dressed in the dark today?

1)A woman might think it –but she would never say it


D)A man will come up to his buddy – touch his stomach and say: put on a few lbs lately –

1)Women never do that



Communication is another area where men and women are different.

A)Most women are good at expressing themselves

    Many men are not


B)But as good as women are at expressing themselves sometimes they speak in CODE –


C)A guy comes home from work – Says Hi honey how was your day – She responds FINE!


D)Here is where the code comes in: He has to pay attention to THE TONE of her Answer

1)If she says Fine – this way: Happy – means Fine

2)If she says Fine – this way: Sharp – means Bad




Here is what happens if he misses the tone: He hears fine and thinks great – she had a good day.

A)So he wanders into the family room and picks up that male therapy device called the remote control

    Completely unaware of what just transpired


B)2 hrs pass and he wonders why he didn’t get dinner.


C)If goes to her and says – Honey is something wrong – she answers no – which really means yes

1)But it also means you weren’t interested in finding out 3 hrs ago – so don’t think I am going to tell you now!


CC)How many of you know what I am talking about


D)That is totally a woman thing – Most men don’t play those kind of head games – not smart enough


We have our own code – much simplier – I picked this up off the internet  MAN CODE

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
--- Really means ---
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"Can I help with dinner?"
--- Really means ---
"Why isn't it already on the table?"


"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
--- Really means ---
Absolutely nothing. It’s a MALE conditioned response

"We're going to be late."
--- Really means ---
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."


"That's women's work."
--- Really means ---
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."


You know how bad my memory is."
--- Really means ---
"I remember the theme song to Happy days , the address of our first house- Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
--- Really means ---
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."


"We share the housework."
--- Really means ---
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."


John Gray was right men and women are different – however – he made a small error – Men are not from Mars and women are not from venus


No they have both been created by God and their differences are by Divine design {No accident


Here is what is really interesting to me – the Bible doesn’t really highlight our differences Accept in 1 Peter 3:7 – Peter refers to the wife as the weaker ….

1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.ESV

A)“The word vessel” used of priceless, fragile china.


B)It was also used of sacred vessels used in the temple for the worship of God.


C)When Peter says that women are the Weaker Vessel - He is not saying she is inferior in anyway

1)Quite the contrary – he is saying she needs to be honored.


D)He is also not referring to moral character or to intellectual ability or to spiritual perception.

1)It refers primarily to the difference in physical strength between men and women.


E)She is more delicate – like the sacred vessels in the temple – made of fine stuff

1)Men are like a rootbeer mug – women like fine china


I think it also has something to do with a woman’s emotional make up – she is going to be more emotional about things Feel things deeply –

A)Men bounce back – things don’t affect us on an emotional level like it does a woman.


B)That is the only real difference the Bible makes about the make up of a man and a woman.

What it does instead is focuses on where they are the same.

A)That is why I had you turn to Ephesians 5– see where we are the same.  {Where this passage starts


B)Last week we looked at how this passage ended in v.33  “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”


C)In that one verse is a summary of everything that Paul said in the Previous 10 verses


D)He starts with the Husband – he is to love his wife as He loves himself.


A lot of guys wonder what does it mean to love my wife like Christ loved the Church.

A)That is the answer right there – Love her and seek to take care of her like you do yourself.


B)You know how to nurture your body – Feed clothe protect – respond to pain –


C)Quick to forgive yourself as when you have erred

1)Quick to show grace to ourselves –  be that way with your wife.


D)You are very sensitive to your own needs and God wants you to be sensitive in that same way toward her!

That is the message summed up to the husband

The message summed up to the wife is Respect

A)I really like this word – because it really helps define what Paul is saying by submission.


B)Respect speaks of being submitted and supportive

1)A Soldier will submit to is commanding officer so that he doesn’t get into trouble


D)But if he respects his commanding officer he will not only submit but support


Some ladies are submitted but not supportive which means – they are not respecting their husbands

A)So whenever he makes a bad call/ decision – they love to throw it in his face – not supportive


B)Respect speaks of a woman who is submitted to her husband – and the place of leadership God gave

1)She supports him in that role and wants to be his helper – chief advisor – head cheer leader


C)Realizes they are in this thing together

1)Marriage is an ordered equality{ One flesh – called them Adam – Gave THEM – DOMINION …..


D)A Man who loves his wife will – seek her counsel and input – on matters

1)They will Prayerfully make decisions together.



So to the man He says love, take care and be sensitive to your wife/  LIKE YOU love, care and are sensitive to your own needs

A)Treat her the way that you like to be treated – be in tune with her like you are w/ your own body


B)That is a tall order especially because she can be so different –

1)AND because we can be so self centered.


C) For the wife – She is to Respect her husband ie she is to be submissive and supportive

1)That is tough for her – because part of the curse is she will have a natural desire to lead to rule over…


So all that means is that both the Husband and the wife need Help from God to fulfill their roles

A)Starting pt for Marriage rd V.18 –Lit  Be continually being filled – YOU LEAK


B)Here is what that means: I need HIS daily empowering to be the Husband called me to be


C)I am dependant upon the Spirit of God – to make me sensitive to my wife’s needs

1)To empower me to be selfless instead of selfish


D)So a daily prayer needs to be Lord empower me and help me today in my marriage to walk after the spirit and not after the flesh

1)My wife needs to pray in that same way!

Next Paul tells us what

Walking in the Spirit being empowered by the Spirit of God being sensitive to the spirit- looks like v.19,20

A)Not going thru house singing like a musical – “Do you want some dinner – Yes I would love a steak


B)But the atmosphere is one of Joy – thanksgiving – and grace


C)Does that describe the atmosphere in your home?



Notice also v.21 submitting to one another in the fear of God. 

A)Before he says one word to the wife about Submission or Husband about love


B)He says – You need to CONTINUALLY being filled with My Spirit -


C)And there needs to be a mutual submission to me and to each other


D)The fear of God speaks of a reverence for God –

1)His way is best – He loves us – therefore – we want to walk in it.


E)More than I want to be right– I want to be right with God.



So the Bible upholds – this is how you are the same – Same commission – Submission / Love / respect

A)In need of the same Help


B)Empowered by the same Spirit!


C)Redeemed by the same blood


Another area where we are the Same is in the need to be forgiving – turn to Song of Solomon ch.6


Saw last week – this couple – conflict –

A)She was feeling unloved & neglected - Solomon came home late


B)Solomon felt disrespected wife – locked him out of the room –  She goes to sleep


C)He didn’t seek to fix things makes no effort to see what is wrong {He just leaves

1) He gets up early off to work – without a word

                       Both of them are wrong! -


D)Beginning of a pattern and cycle that will send this marriage into a major tale spin

1)Ultimately kill it –


E)Best case scenario – they are two pp continuing to live in the same house -  but with no real relationship

1)Worse case: One or both of the partners seek what they are not getting at home somewhere outside of it

What they are both called to is FORGIVENESS – and that forgiveness needs to be expressed that is exactly what we see happens


NOTE:Forgiveness is a non negotiable – Required – might need to ask daily for help –


Why are we to forgive: Simple Because we have been forgiven – Jesus died for my sin –

A)Died for the Sins of the Spouse that sinned against you.     


B)No right to ever hold a grudge against Denise – I have been forgiven of so much!


C)Peter 7 times – 70X7=490 – don’t count !


2ND NOTE: When trust has been broken – Adultery betrayal – Porn –


Forgiveness is required but TRUST – takes time to build back – time and consistent behavior and actions


The wounded party needs time to see if the repentance is real!


Important that we understand that



What were talking about here is more the normal day to day conflicts that need to be worked out so they don’t turn into something bigger.


Recall that she fell asleep and had a nightmare – She goes looking for Solomon – Wakes up –

A)That is exactly what she does – She feels bad and wants to make things right


#1 Somebody has to make the first move! – You can stew or you can forgive and move to reconcile

A)She makes the first move and goes to Solomon –


B)Notice what she says in V.3 “I am my beloved's, And my beloved is mine.

He feeds his flock among the lilies.”


C)In this we see her repentance – for her behavior – repent: Means to change your mind –


D)She was thinking this way: I was mad at him – but not anymore. –


E)The change of mind results in a change of behavior and direction.

1)The night before she wanted nothing to do with him and now she can’t live without him.


#2 There has to be genuine repentance


Notice how he responds:

4 O my love, you are as beautiful as Tirzah,

Lovely as Jerusalem, 

Awesome as an army with banners!


5 Turn your eyes away from me,

For they have overcome me.

Your hair is like a flock of goats

Going down from Gilead.

6 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep

Which have come up from the washing;

Every one bears twins,

And none is barren among them.

7 Like a piece of pomegranate

Are your temples behind your veil.


#3 Forgiveness needs to be communicated –

A)She comes to say she is sorry and to seek forgiveness

He doesn’t just say – ok fine – lets move on –


B)He greets her with words of love - IN doing so we see his own repentance –

1)I might have been mad or disappointed w/ you last night –  BUT NOT NOW


4 O my love, you are as beautiful as Tirzah,

Lovely as Jerusalem, 

Awesome as an army with banners!


Tizrah means delight {Tizrah was a beautiful ancient city – of the kings of Canaan


Jerusalem was THE PRIZE OF ISRAEL!


Awesome as an army with Banners – Repeats twice again V.10

A)The greatest sight to a solider who has escaped from the enemy – or who was out in the field –


B)Is to find his way back to His city of refuge – back to that place of strength – back to his army with banners


C)Solomon’s way of saying my relationship with you is my refuge – place of strength


D)I can get fired at from all sides – I can get beat up all day – Love to come home – refuge – shelter


E)Jesus and my wife – Provide that – If Denise and I are at odds – HORRIBLE!


By reciting the same words he used on their wedding night he is basically saying – Nothing has Changed –

A)He still loves her and feels the same way.


B)When he says in V.5 turn your eyes away – basically saying – just seeing you gets me excited

But I am not going to use this situation to get sex


C)Not going to sieze this moment for his own personal gratification – not use it


D)Not going to disrespect you in that way – It might even be a way of saying – You mean more to me than just sex


Wife needs to know that fellas – She means more to you than just cook, clean, iron and sex -

8 There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,

and virgins without number.

9 My dove, my perfect one, is the only one, the only one of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her.

The daughters saw her and called her blessed,

The queens and the concubines, and they praised her.


10 Who is she who looks forth as the morning,

Fair as the moon, clear as the sun,

Awesome as an army with banners?


This still predates Solomon going off the deep end pursuing lust – adding 700 wives / 300 concubines

A)But his popularity has been growing  - Kings and queens have been seeking at audience with him


B)So he is saying essentially – there are queens all of the world – Virgins – girls who haven’t yet experienced marital love


C)There are Concubines – glorified – prostitutes women who know how to use their bodies to get ahead


D)I know that being the King I am I could have as many of them as I want -


D)None of them hold a candle to you! – None compare with you. –

1)No matter the category they all admire you and call you blessed.


E)Solomon is Cherishing his wife here – Giving her love as she gave him respect

In a nutshell Solomon was communicating to his bride that in his eyes she was the only woman in the world.


Solomon and his wife – repent of their wrong attitudes / repent of their stubborn pride

A)Notice the result – She says



11 I went down to the garden of nuts

To see the verdure of the valley,

To see whether the vine had budded

And the pomegranates had bloomed.

12 Before I was even aware,

My soul had made me

As the chariots of my noble people.


She said I went down to the garden to find out if there was still hope for fruitfulness in this relationship – what I discovered is my husband and love had fully forgiven me


Picture of Full restoration


12 Before I was even aware,

My soul had made me

As the chariots of my noble people.


In the Hebrew culture one of the highest forms of recognition that  reconciliation had been  granted was to ask THAT person to ride in your Chariot with you.


It was a sign of total trust {CLOSE} as well as a public display of relationship between you two.



Result is closeness { Solomon says

13 Return, return, O Shulamite;

Return, return, that we may look upon you!


What would you see in the Shulamite —

As it were, the dance of the two camps? 


Shulamite was actually the nickname for his bride – It was derived from his name – In the Hebrew Solomon is Shlomo –


A)By Calling her  the Shulamite it was like saying she is one with me – part of me –

1)The same as me


The dance of the two camps – two camps at war – partying now that the dance was over


I don’t know about you – but I like to party a lot more than I like to make war –


B)Jesus first miracle was at a Wedding celebration – turned water into wine

1)Save a young couple from embarrassment


C)Marriage is where miracles are needed the most


Your marriage today: Needs a miracle ?

1.Healing –


2. Going thru motions -

1.     Empower me today

2.     Make me Sensitive to the spirit