Ephesians 5:18-21

Building a Solid Marriage Part 2   Keys to Communication


4 yr old Suzy was so excited / she had just been told the story of Snow White for the first time! ( Preschool)

A)     Raced home to retell the story to her mother w/ wide eyed excitement / prince kisses her / what happened  next?


B) Mom  " They lived happily ever after ? "  No ! frown  They got married!"      1) W/out even knowing it Suzy hit on a deep truth: That getting married & living happily everafter are not synonymous!


C) A good Marriage takes work: not work in the sense that it is hard or a drudgery but  work in the sense that it takes time & attention


D) It is like a Garden it needs consistent time and attention if weeds are going to be avoided and anything fruitful is going to grow !!!



In our 1st study last time we looked at the Building essentials found here in v.18-21: Four things that make for the Structure & frame work …..

A) v.18 POWER SUPPLY – Dependency upon the HS : Power / Wisdom

V21 FOUNDATION : Submitted …… fear of the Lord


B) V21 [ Walls ]COMMUNICATION : Submitted to one another – Mutual respect : Healthy communication depth / dimension / light / Access

       1) V22-32 [Roof]  SELF SACRIFICIING LOVE


C) That makes up the Frame work and the Structure of the house – We will keep referring back to that Analogy – as we move thru this series

1) Today spend sometime talking about – Communication: Healthy communication is Key to a Vibrant Marriage : Turn Prov 24



PRO 24:3,4 Through wisdom a house is built, & by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled w/ all precious & pleasant riches

A) In this passage Solomon was not referring to filling your home w/

     material possessions/ sofa's & tables !


B) No these verses tell us that Marriage isn't about what you possess it is about what you are !

1) Not about having the right things / but being the right person!  


C) Every marriage in this room is in a different place: Some just starting out { series Building blocks /  

1) Others Long time { going strong { series add fuel to the Fire

2) Still others – Long time: Need some remodeling { series –supply the resources and materials need to tear down and rebuild    Repeat the verse


Look at these verbs :  Built, established,  Filled: These are words that speak of action / of progress / of Change

A) The first word Built – comes from the Hebrew word – to restore /it has the idea of rebuilding something so that it flourishes


B) It is the same word that is used to describe what God did to Adam in Gen 2 when he put Adam to sleep, took a rib and rebuilt that bone into  Eve 

1) Solomon’s point is clear – Any marriage can be rebuilt – restored with Wisdom – { talk about in a minute


C) The word ESTABLISHED means to set in order { to place something in an erect or upright position { Understanding is needed for this

1) The word Filled means OVERFLOWING  - it is a word that speaks of fulfillment and Abundant Satisfaction { Knowledge is needed for that.


Wisdom means to see with Discernment : Speaks of having Vision & wisdom is the application of Knowledge

A) Understanding  = responding w/ Insight to a situation { Not blind


B) Knowledge = learning with Perception

C) So when the contractor is going to Built a house – he gets vision for what he is going to build – applies wisdom – to the process 

1) He approaches the task – Leaning on his Knowledge & Experience { he  gains insights from others – follows codes to build a beautiful thing


D) When I read this verse I think of the Conference center at Murrieta – once a dilapidated run down resort – Now a Beautiful Oasis

1) Vision was carried out – Wisdom was exercised to rebuild it / Established by Knowledge – Now it is this Overflowing Oasis of Spiritual Fruit


That is the picture that the Lord desires for each one of our marriage relationships –

A) Well in order to Build w/ Wisdom / to Establish with understanding & see the House overflowing thru Knowledge – healthy communication is Key


B) See what we hold in our hands is a Blue print – code book – it tells us what the Marriage is to look like / how it is to be built

1) But it is not a Formula – because every marriage is UNIQUE  - because no two people are the same { So every marriage is going to have differences


C) Example One husband might read Husbands love ….. Church

1) For that Husband it  might mean He needs to write his wife little love notes / bring her flowers & candy /

2)  always reassuring her in that way - he loves her


D)  But for another gal / not really into that all that foo/ foo stuff

1) She doesn’t want you to write her little notes / she wants you to keep her car running / Mow the lawn / Lead & discipline the kids


E) Point I’m am making is we are all diff. & we need to discover how God’s Blue print works in our Marriage Situation

1) We need Wisdom / Knowledge & Understanding & One way that is established is thru good Consistent Communication


F) Establishing & Maintaining Good communication can be Tricky 

A woman was away on a business trip when she called her husband to see how he was doing. In the course of the conversation she proceeded to ask how her special Persian cat fluffy was doing. She had left him specific instructions on how to take care of the Cat.

Well the husband said – honey I am so sorry but fluffy died yesterday.

The wife was so upset thinking her husband had neglected the cat that she hung up the phone and didn’t call her husband back for two days.


When she finally called back and was ready to hear what happened – her husband told her that fluffy all of a sudden got sick with a rare disease and that he took the cat to the Vet and they tried everything to save the cat – he actually ended up spending a lot of money trying to make the cat better, but  to no avail.


When the woman realized all that her husband went thru to save the cat she apologized for getting so mad at him but then she added – this word of advice on communicating – She said – you could have broke the news to me slower when I asked how fluffy was doing you could have said – that she was on the roof right now – next time in the back yard .. you could have gradually broke the news to me that she was dead -


The Husband said – Ok dear I am sorry and I will try and remember that next time I am in that situation. 

It was then that the Woman asked so how is my mom doing – there was this long pause and then the man responded – She is up on the roof.


Sometimes learning to communicate can be a slippery slope

A) I think Part of having good communication in your marriage is realizing that you & your wife are different ! { Differences between men & women


When eating out and the bill arrives, men will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back.

           When girls eat out and the bill comes out come the calculators.

In a bathroom a man has 6 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.
 A women worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A husband doesn't worry about the future until he gets a wife.
 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book.

        A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.


So it is safe to say that we are Definitely Different : Consider two areas that can be a Problem in having good communication

A) Men have the tendency to be only interested in INFORMATION / while women are more interested in INTIMACY


B) Denise & I were having lunch one day at a Shiloh in on the coast in Oregon when this couple came in & sat at the booth next to our table


Her seat faced the window & looked over the ocean / he had his back to the window / he picks up the menu & begins to look at what he wants to eat – info: I am hungry we are here to eat – food was on his mind


Over heard her say /  are you sure you don’t want to sit next to me the view is better over here ! /  No that’s ok - I’m fine here -


C)She was looking for some intimacy ! - Lets share the view I want you close to me /  she asked him again & he answered the same / oblivious /

1) But His focus was on the menu - we are here to eat ! What’s for dinner


D) Wanted to say Hey block head she wants you next to her ! Get the hint !


Worked at hotel - guys paper info:  who won / stocks /  but wife  intimacy! 

A)Kept trying to get him to put down that paper !  Communicate/ interrupt!

B) Now both Information & intimacy are important in a marriage - There needs to be both Can’t be all business and Facts –

1) Men need to realize that Intimacy is a part of God’s design for the marriage –


C) In Gen2: looking over his creation   It is good; it is good –

1) But after he made Adam - man - not good: God Saw the aloneness of man - thought this isn't good!  He needs a woman!{ Companion


D) Although Adam  had an incredible relationship with the Lord - walked

       together in the garden / great intimacy!

1) The Lord said "He needs a companion - a friend!" - made woman!


E) Listen we have been designed by God to be relational – first w/ Him 2nd w/ others – One of the deepest relationships is between a husband & wife


I personally believe that a Husband & a wife should be best friends

A) One of the best things about my relationship w/ Denise is before we ever began to date we had become best friends /


B) First came to Vista both alone / worked w/ youth / everyday we were together for 31/2 months /

1) We really learned to talk / having good communication has been a key to keeping our marriage strong !


C) And one of the things we have had to learn is that we are different – we look at things differently –

1) But if you realize that – realize that God has placed your spouse in your life – You can learn a lot from them


D) Singles with Friendships{ Reason – learn & grow in perception

1) Friends before meeting Denise – Dating Saga –



Another Difference between men & women is Men have a tendency to want to fix things / women sometimes need to just Vent

A) Women sometimes just need to let it all out – They start { stop and Breathe honey !!! 


B) Wife starts carrying on – about something – You have a plan

     You have a solution ( Just listen to me & let me vent )


C)  Submitting to one another is being willing to Share / being open to listen


Take a few minutes to talk about What causes the breakdown in communication - how can it be avoided - or how can it be built back up?

A) One of the main reason communication breaks down is - Busyness!

1) We can allow our lives to get so busy we are like ships passing in the

      night !! No Building / Establishing / Marriage isn’t filled pleasant riches


B) Now it is easy to think "Oh, it is only for awhile".- but it is easy for that “ short time “ to turn into a year or 2 !


C) My mistake w/ our church building……  / our relationship suffered / took time to rebuild ! / Denise grew Independent { We grew Distant

1) Busyness can be a major factor in  the break down in communication


D) So Busyness is a common reason why communication breaks down in a  marriage


Another thing that breaks down communication is routines

A)Mean is: it is easy to fall into a routine where you feel like there is nothing

        to talk about!   How's your day? Fine!  Anything new? No   Kids? No!


B) When that happens the marriage begins to resemble a business /

     2 partners coming together occasionally to talk about the firm !

1) The Communication revolves around schedules; kids; bills –

2)  There is no building of the relationship; it is not growing but maintaining soon - deteriorating! { Mediocre

Another Problem that breaks down communication is not listening ! 

Often stems from busyness !

A) So caught up in what you are doing – Not listening to your spouse –

  Turns into a bad habit where never listen { Sign of Selfishness


Gary Inrig gives this insight into – communication in a marriage

“Communication clearly involves the exchange of information. But effective communication involves more than this. It occurs when what  I think and feel is transferred to another person, so that he or she engages in my emotions as well as my ideas. Communication occurs when I understand not only what my wife thinks but also what she feels.”


B) In order for that type of exchange to occur it involves two people who are willing not only to be open to share their hearts but also to listen to each other

1) “ To listen is the queen of compliments; to ignore is the chief of insults”


C) Seen this often in counseling marriages: She is talking about what is bugging her - / but he isn’t listening – he is thinking about his response

1) One couple – man was just a shell of a man { Nice guy but he had no confidence or direction – marriage was crumbling


C) Got together w/ both of them and started to ask him some questions

1) He would think for a minute – then she would answer for him { Kept happening – finally I asked her to leave – talk to him alone


D) It took him a little while to answer the questions but his responses were very honest & insightful – Never got the Chance to talk

1) Finally called her back in and said I know what one problem is – You need to shut up and listen – to him – { To him you need to talk


E) Counseling marriages:  Help them to hear!  "I didn't know that's what you were thinking!"   we need to Learn to listen


How do we avoid allowing these things to happen in our marriages so that Communication is destroyed / How build it up again ? 4 things

1st Schedule time together – DATE -  Non negotiable – This is our Date night once a week / or every 2 weeks /

A) This will help you avoid allowing Busyness to take over ! You make time for everything else – Don’t neglect your spouse


B) I don’t know of a couple that dated on a consistent basis that had problems in this area

1) On those dates do things that create an environment that fosters Communication { Avoid movies /concerts / ball games


C) Dinner / Picnic / nice drives / walks on the beach { Where can talk

1) If necessary Write down some things to talk about { Not Business related


D) Be daring enough to Ask - How is our relationship doing - is there anything I am doing that  you like- anything not doing - - I need to be!


D) Murrieta – always amazing me – They are always doing something new springs / new Buildings / New interior

1) Always stays fresh


2nd - thing really helps is spend time in Word together / read and talk! Great  Place to begin.

A.) Make time to share devotions: What God is showing you!  Best times!


B.)    It is like Iron sharpening iron - building up each other in the Lord

1) Guys responsibility - "Washing wives in Word" - woman long for this!            

       Denise dating!


C.)    Romance begins w/ knowledge - grows w/ knowledge

    1) Journaling


D) Devotions for couples -  Switch it up { Interesting questions




3rd -Try to keep business side of marriage to once or twice a week!

A.) Guys we can fall into the trap where this is all that we want to talk about Because we want to fix things – Consumed by Problems


B) Don't get consumed by problems/ deal w/ put aside / only take care of so much! Pray together



4th   Learn to talk through Problems

A.)    Pr 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver.



B) T – is it Timely?

Prov 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.


Prov 18:2,13   v 2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding

but delights in airing his own opinions.

v.13  He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.


C) SO first need to ask is it timely – Is this the right time to enter into this discussion?  Never let sun go down on wrath { Never go to bed mad

1) Tried a few weeks ago – But often times we need to give each other some space wait a couple of hrs to talk something thru


 H – is it helpful?

A) Is what I am about to say – going to help matters or hurt them ?

Eph 4:29

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers



 I – is it inspiring?

Job 4:4 Your words have upheld him who was stumbling, And you have strengthened the feeble knees;

N – is it necessary? { Not only is it timely – doesn’t it need to be said at all !!

James 1:19-20 let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.


K – is it kind?

Col 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt,


C)  Salt – Healing – Medicinal / flavor enhancing gives life to a conversation / preserving



So we must make a commitment to build communication - realizing key to growing in intimacy / building romance!

A.)    Key to growing together - staying in close!


B.) And part of that communication should include spiritual           development -  

           sharpen and enhance each other!

          1.)     Helps give you things to talk about!