Ephesians 5:25

Building A Solid Marriage Part 3 – Loving Like Christ



George & Barbara Bush – No he would be President

A) True that part of why God brings two people together is to use us in each others lives to help us become the people He wants us to be


B) Last two studies – the Building essentials: v.18-21  Today we are going to begin looking at the roles of the Husband & the wife. { RD v.18-33



Now Notice that  Paul spends 3 verses in explaining the role of the wife -

who represents the Church!  8 verses on the men ! Why?

A) Men hold the key to a successful marriage: You see– God who is into pictures gives us a picture of what Marriage is to look like { Christ and the Church


C) IN that Picture – The Husband is in the role of Jesus / the wife is in the role of the Church

1) What that means is: the Husband in many ways hold the keys to the marriage relationship


D) Granted it takes two to have a good marriage but the primary responsibility for the marriage rest on the Husbands shoulder

1) At least 95% of the success of a marriage hinges on the performance of the Husband to love his wife like Christ loves the Church


E) Now I have had men take issue with me for that Statement { Some have left the Church{ Truthfully I don’t like it either - But that the picture



Think of it in this way: We as the Church  Love Jesus:  because He first loved us

A) We seek to be in submission to Jesus – because He gave Himself for


B) We want to serve Christ – out of a response for all that he has done for us How He came to be a servant

  1) It is a willing act of love because – We have been so deeply loved


C) So in a healthy marriage a wife is going to respond w/ love & service and submission – the more she understands how deeply she is loved by her …


Now since that is the picture that Paul is painting here – Christ & the Church – I want to start with us guys – Role of Christ in the relationship

A) V25 Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church


B) Now no husband can achieve that command perfectly – but what I have seen is when a husband – attempts to do this – Wife responds

1) And the Marriage is blessed –


So that is where we begin – This exhortation in v.25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her

A) Begin by discussing this word LOVE : What does it mean to love your wife


B) I came across some kids views on Love : I don’t know where they found these kids – but their answers were interesting

1st they were asked : Why does love happen between certain people? Andrew, age 6, said, "Well one of the people has freckles, so he finds somebody else who has freckles, too." 

May, age 9, said, "No one is really sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell and that's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."


And then they were asked...what do you think falling in love is like? John, age 9, said, "It's like an avalanche and you ought to run for your life."


And Glenn, age 7, said, "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it, it takes too long."

On the role of looks in love, the children were asked...how important is your looks when it comes to falling in love?

Anita, age 8, said, "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."


Brian, age 7, said, "It isn't always just how you look, look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't gotten anybody to marry me yet."


Christine said, "While beauty is skin deep, but how rich you are can last a long time."


And  the children were asked...why do lovers hold hands? Gavin, age 8, said, “Men do it I am told to keep their wives from going shopping "


 Finally  they were asked to make suggestions about sure-fire ways to really fall in love. Dell, age 6, said, "Tell her you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

Bart, age 9, said, "One way to do it, to make a person fall in love, is to take her out to eat and make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries always works for me."


C) Well it is true there are a lot of different opinions out there today on what love is supposed to look like !!!

1) But we want to consider love from God’s point of view


It should be noted that in the Grk lang. they had 3 words to describe love! English one / We say I love pizza , dog , my wife

A) But In the grk they used diff. words to describe the way in which they loved !


B) 1st word Eros / English word erotic -  it describes love on the Physical plain / sexual love!   Involves    Feelings, emotions, infatuation -


C) We have a perverted view of this kind of love because of the way it has been abused in our society !

D) But erodes finds its place in the marriage relationship / God designed sex / beautiful fulfilling aspect of intimacy in marriage

PRO 5:15,18 Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.


E) Basically Solomon is saying find fulfillment in your spouse!


Eros love often involves a physical attraction - And you should be physically attracted to your spouse !

A) But here is something that we need to understand is that outer Beauty is really enhanced by inner Beauty.


B) The closer a person gets to the Lord - the more Beautiful they become as they begin to reflect Him - His Beauty comes thru !!!

1)  Why worldly or non Christian guys are often attracted to Christian girls - they see the Lord in them !


C) They see something in the Christian girls that they don’t see in other girls Something they don’t know what it is but they are attracted to. It is  Jesus


D) So Eros love - is love on a physical plain - important in a marriage it has its place   but it is     not what a marriage is to be based on!

 1) Paul doesn't use Eros when he says husbands love your wife!


E) Because feelings are going to come and go! Appearances are going to 

 change – SO Eros love fluctuates



2nd Love - Phileo - Brotherly love:

A) Phileo love is a love that gives and takes - it is a friendship  kind of love -

      fondness! Phileo love is important in marriage


B) I believe a  husband and  wife should be best friends! 

1) They should Enjoy spending time together!


Winston Churchill Dinner - asked if he died and could come back as anyone but himself - who would he be?  Lady Churchill's 2nd husband!

A.)    Not only did he score pts w/ his answer but his comments are a good illustration of how we should feel!  Enjoy being together


B.)          Phileo love is a friendship love - love that says I enjoy being with you!

1) Guys, ask when 1st married - (can't - tied down now) No - I just enjoy being w/ here more than you!


C) Phileo love is also important in marriage - though it centers on          

      pleasure derived from that person

1) But Phileo is not the word Paul used!


The word that Paul used was the word  Agape- Agape is the  highest form of  love!   God’s love:        Elevates marriage to highest level!

A) Eros love and Phileo love Will flow naturally when Agape is in force!


B) Agape is a word that speaks of a love that springs from the preciousness of the object loved. 

1) This is the love that God has for the world.  “For God so loved the world.


C) It’s a love that gives without expectation of receiving something in return, This love is a love that is centered in others rather in self.

1)  And it’s a love that was demonstrated by Christ when He came. Loved depicted in the PASSION


D) It’s that highest sort of love that the apostle is calling the husband to have toward his wife. 


Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

A) It’s a love that’s marked by joy.  There’s joy in the relationship.  It’s not a burdensome sort of a love.  But it’s a joyous love. 

                                                                  There’s a delightful aspect to it.

B) PEACE: It’s a peaceful love.  It’s a love that demonstrates itself in our dwelling peacefully together. 

1) It’s a love that’s longsuffering, a love that’s patient, a love that’s not easily irritated or provoked. 


C) It’s a love that’s kind.  It’s a love that’s manifested in goodness.  It’s a love that’s faithful, there’s that commitment. 

1) It’s a love that’s gentle.  And it’s a love that has self-control.  


D) This is the love that God desires would permeate our relationship with our wife


E) Been referred to as charity in KJ 1 Cor 13 -Which  Gives us some insight  = a  love that shows itself in deeds!  Not all words


It is a Love that Sacrifices  He gave himself for his Bride

A.) What can we learn from Christ example of loving  Sacrificially


B.) Right off the bat I think we would say - It is a love that says I would be willing  to lay down my life for my wife!

1.) Heroic pictures of standing before intruders saying  "Don't kill her

    here please take me"


C.) But the thing we need to understand is - when Jesus laid down his life on the cross that was the exclamation pt. of what He had been illustrating His  whole life


D)  His whole life was about sacrifice & service !                 

Son of man came not to be served but to serve and to lay down His life a ransom for many!







Consider how was this love Demonstrated by Christ ? 4 things

1st it is a love that Makes your wife YOUR  priority

A) We read in Phil 2 that when Jesus came to redeem us - He left everything.  He gave up everything in order to save us.  That He did as an act of love. 


B) And so when I’m called to love my wife as Christ loved the church, I must ask myself the question, “Have I left everything behind?” 

1) Have I, in other words, made my wife the priority in my life?” 


C) You know, as a Christian man, your wife is to be your highest priority next to your relationship with the Lord. 

1) That is the order in the Scripture.  God is always, of course, to be our first priority.  But our second priority is to be our wives


You know, a lot of times, problems exist in marriage because of a failure to do that.  The husband hasn’t really made the wife a priority.

A) Family ties – Controlled and manipulated by family :  Young man brought girls home to meet Parents – Mother didn’t like her ……

 Looked like Mom ……… Father didn’t like her 


B) Sometimes that is the case the husband is still holding on to family ties, still being controlled or manipulated, by family relationships

1) maybe a domineering mother, or a sibling who is constantly meddling or wanting to interfere in the marriage—


C) the husband has this sort of loyalty to the family [so] that he keeps getting influenced by them. 

1) And in doing so, he’s not really loving his wife in the sense that he’s supposed to. 


D) Remember the Scripture says that a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. 



Some times it is friends or hobbies that a man is holding on to that show his wife is not his priority

A) Not saying that any of those things are wrong in & of themselves – Denise & I are blessed w/ a great relationship w/ my parents –


B) But what I am saying is that – the wife needs to know that she is the Priority


C) So as we love our wives as Christ loved the church, we have to remember as we look at Christ, we see the first thing He did was to leave everything. 

1) He gave up everything.  The church became His priority. 


Secondly, we see that Jesus was a servant. 

A) Jesus Christ was a servant to the church.  .  You remember Jesus washed the disciples’ feet.  He took the role of a servant. 


B) And in loving our wives as Christ loved the church: that means that we’re to be serving our wives. 

1) A lot of men look at their wives to be the servants



A very Bright 4 yr old girl was talking to her dad about marriage – she was having a hard time grasping the concept  of it. 

Her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
     "Now do you understand?" he asked.
     "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"


Sometimes fellas – our kids can get that impression – because that is the way we treat our wives – Servants

A) But in the Christian community, and according to the teaching of the New Testament, if there’s a slave in the house, it’s to be the man. 


B) The man is to be the servant of all because Christ came as servant.  And we’re to emulate the Lord Jesus Christ. 


C)  So in your marriage, are you thinking of your wife as your slave or do you think of you as your wife’s servant? 

1) You’re there to minister to her. 


D) You see, Jesus, just flipped everything up on its head.  “He that would be the greatest among you let Him be the slave of all,”


E) Really our wives Job is harder than ours { Women’s Retreat Lowest attendance of the year Why? Guys just can’t get it together



So if we are going to love like Christ it should mean that we are going to seek ways to serve our wives – 3rd to lift their Burdens not add to them

A) Many women struggle under the burden that the husband has placed upon them to live up to some sort of a standard.  MOM –


B) Phil “Well my wife’s supposed to do what my mom did, which was virtually everything.”  But that’s not the way it’s supposed to be


C) We’re not to go around the house flinging our dirty clothes wherever we want, and expecting the wife to pick them up,

1) eating dinner and leaving the dishes there, expecting her to just jump up and take care of that now, after she’s worked hard to make the dinner. 


D) But those kinds of things, get passed on from generation to generation, but when we come to Christ, Jesus breaks these things. 

1) He wants to break these things in our lives. 


He wants to work in our lives to the point where we are not adding to our wife’s burdens but seeking to bear them

A) We read concerning Jesus that He took our burdens.  And remember He said,

“Come to me all you that are weary and are heavy laden.  I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me.”  He said, “For my yoke is easy, my burden is light.”  


B) Guys  it shouldn’t be a massive burden for your wife to be your wife.  It should be a delightful thing.  It should be a pleasurable thing. 

1) And that will be the case if we follow the example of Christ and we seek to relieve them of burdens


C) If we’re compassionate and sensitive toward them.  Practically Help around house / emotionally: Know you care  / Spiritually – Build up


D) Giving her your TIME / ATTENTION / AFFECTION /


4th it is a love that loves Unconditionally – Christ gave Himself for us when we didn’t have it together – When we were sinners

A) So if we are going to love like Jesus – then our love isn’t going to be based on their performance


B) High Standard: Need Help – I can’t do this – I can’t love like this


C) Filled with the Holy Spirit - /


D) Abiding in the Lord – This fruit is the result


Wedding in Cana – Water to wine – Joy and Holy Spirit

A) Pots first emptied in order to be filled


B) Emptied today : Selfishness  / Pride / Misconceptions { Humble ourselves – Jesus Help me -